Joe’s Crow Country - Royal Wedding thoughts

Does the matrimony of William and Kate really mean that much? Reporter Joe Tyler on why he won’t be watching.

I WAS once so bored, I made a list of as many people I could think of with the same initials as me. It was a low point, and afterwards I wondered why I had bothered to wither away around 45 minutes of my time, and what I was to do with my modest findings (John Travolta, James Taylor amongst them if you’re wondering).

I never put the list, which has long since perished, to any use and still long to have that time back. However, compared to the thought of watching the Royal Wedding, it was like a party at the Playboy Mansion that GG Allin and Robin Friday (look them up) have just popped their heads round the corner at to complain about the noise.

The excitement over the merest detail has been unbearably dull, and it’s all for an event that has an entirely predictable outcome. I don’t wish any pain for Kate Middleton and William Windsor, and hope they have a long and happy marriage, but even they must be embarrassed that a leading restaurant chain has designed a pizza with their faces on (it’s not even available to buy, it’s simply shameless bandwagon jumping).

It doesn’t stop there. To check out the scale of the pointlessness, take a trip down to your local high street discount shop. Prince William mask, Kate Middleton disposable plate anyone? Eat your sausage rolls off the face of a woman that has nothing to do with you, while pretending to be a man who might be king one day. Why?

I will be doing anything else on Friday. It might include going to any other wedding being held at the same time. I’d rather pop down my local church and witness the marriage of a couple that live nearby. At least this might have some sort of distant knock-on effect on me. They might invite me to further functions.

Not that I’d go of course, but it’s nice to be acknowledged. I can’t imagine Kate and William sending out invites to their next garden party to the thousands of street-liners. They will say they do, but they couldn’t care less.

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Weddings should be private affairs. I don’t see why anyone would want to publicise their marriage to the world. Ok, so a Prince might find it difficult to nip down the registry office but the fanfare he and his fianc�, who I keep being told is “normal” despite her upper-middle-class upbringing, is monstrous.

Weddings should be celebrated in the company of those that love and care about the couple, rather than in front of millions of eyes around the globe.

It is after all just an administrative procedure.

I do wish too, that the media would stop assuming the entire nation is gripped by this. Phrases such as “everyone has shown an interest” and “this is uniting the nation” make me cringe. I wish they would spare a thought for the likes of me.

The BBC particularly is guilty of this. Their output on television and radio has been dominated by the wedding for weeks as they imagine ordinary people are as excited as they are and have no other, more pressing and personal issues to deal with.

The cheek of ordering a bank holiday as well! Some people like going to work, some people will miss out on money, some people don’t want to “celebrate” the “momentous” occasion, and would rather earn and keep busy.

The only reason I might, just might consider watching, is in the faint hope that there is a very minor snag in the proceedings.

I’m not talking anything big, like Middleton trips over her dress and breaks her nose on a pew in front of the world. That might be too much to bear even for people that aren’t bothered.

Maybe William could turn up drunk, or someone’s phone could go off, or Harry forgets the ring. Maybe even a punch-up in the car park afterwards. The sort of thing that goes on at normal weddings, that normal Kate Middleton has probably witnessed dozens of times.